‘Oh god,’ I heard someone mutter as they saw me strutting towards them, and I immediately made a beeline for them, watching them sink further into their desk as I got closer and closer…
‘Something you wish to discuss with me?’ I asked, tilting my head to the side.
‘Me?’ the man squeaked.
‘Who else would I be speaking to?’ I glared.
‘Uh…’ he glanced around the office for support, but everyone had their heads down, very directly not looking at us.
‘Yes,’ I snapped. ‘I’m talking to you. Is there something you wish to discuss?’
‘Uh… no?’ he said meekly.
‘That’s interesting,’ I frowned. ‘I could have sworn you said something when I started walking down here.’
‘Nope,’ he shook his head. ‘Not me. No clue who that was.’
‘Of course not,’ I smiled thinly. ‘While I have you though, anything you want to get off your chest?’
The whole office was holding its breath. My eyes never left the man in front of me.
‘Uh…’
‘Utter that insipid syllable one more time and I will fire you,’ I shot at him. He visibly gulped.
‘I, um… like what you’ve done with the new office design? Melbourne designers really have stepped up as of late. We saw the pictures on the company site, and, uh… great work.’
I stared at him for a few deep, long breaths, doing my best not to blink. He gulped again, beads of sweat appearing on his forehead.
‘Do you all feel this way?’ I asked, loudly.
A chorus of mumbled yeses.
‘Would you like to know a secret?’ I asked the man in front of me, leaning in closely to whisper to him. He froze, like a mouse in the grip of a viper.
‘It wasn’t me,’ I breathed into his ear. ‘It was a company around Melbourne that designs commercial office fitouts.’
I laughed, quietly, so only he could feel it.
‘But thank you, for the kind words.’
I stood up and looked around at my thoroughly captivated office.
‘What are you all looking at?’ I barked, startling at least two people into spilling their coffee.
Yes – new record!
‘Back to work!’